


Behind Blue Eyes

by NiHiL707



Series: The Gestalt Theory [1]
Category: The Checquy Files - Daniel O'Malley, The Rook (TV 2019)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Character Study, F/F, F/M, Light Smut, Multi, POV First Person, Swearing, ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-15
Updated: 2019-08-26
Packaged: 2020-09-01 09:28:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20255896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NiHiL707/pseuds/NiHiL707
Summary: "People who don't know mebelieve I am four distinct siblingsFor the people'in the known'I am four distinct siblings sharing a mindTruth be toldI am neither of those things..."———The Gestalt Theory:Psychology concept.It proposes that what is 'seen' is what appears to the seer, not what may 'actually be there'.And that the nature of a unified whole is not understood by analyzing its parts.





	1. No One Knows What It's Like

**Author's Note:**

> To write this, I kind of did what the show did to the book. I took the characters and part of the setting but twisted them my way.  
So no amnesiac Myfanwy, sorry.
> 
> I'd still recommend you watch the show before reading because I make a lot of references to it (i.e: I used quotes and pieces of the plot).
> 
> Warning:  
This story is told by and through Gestalt's musings and interactions with others, we are directly in Gestalt's head, so I hope you won't mind the weird writing style.
> 
> All that being said, I really hope you all enjoy reading this as much as I did writing it !!!
> 
> See you at the end
> 
> hopefully

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A first dive into Gestalt's thoughts.

People who don't know me  
believe I am four distinct siblings

two identical twins  
Teddy and Alex  
or Tidy Twin and Cool Twin

and two fraternal twins  
Eliza and Robert

For the people  
'in the known'  
I am four distinct siblings sharing a mind

Truth be told  
I am neither of those things  
but truth matters little  
confronted with people's assumptions

To be acknowledged  
by others  
I had to accept that

Easier to just  
cater to their expectations  
act the part

I even enjoy it

at times

Like when people react differently  
depending on which of me they are facing

I like playing with that

People don't notice if I stop smiling using Teddy  
when I don't do it with Eliza  
they presume something is wrong

No one minds my cheeky attitude if it's coming from Alex  
they dislike it when I do it using Robert

Obviously

None of that knowledge came to me naturally  
I had to be trained  
my entire childhood

The Checquy are the ones who taught me everything  
they made me who I am  
They are the reason I am now able to  
disconnect from myself

or rather 'compartmentalize'  
as they like to call it

I had to learn to break my mind in four

Not only so I could execute perfectly  
simultaneously  
multiple unrelated tasks  
in entirely separate locations

But also to be able to seclude each bodies' sensations  
and stop them from affecting  
the others

The training was physically and mentally exhausting

Back then  
I usually fell asleep with nosebleeds  
distinct headaches

and fear in the pit of my stomachs

Because the Checquy wanted more from me  
They needed me to appear 'normal'

'conventional'  
to be able to blend in

I used what people seemed to presume  
to expect from me

to see in my various bodies

I separated  
molded my personality  
into contrasting shades  
to fit and animate  
each of my distinctive forms

I had to imagine disparate fashions  
make-up deviating tastes

fabricate fake  
divergent mannerisms

just to be believable

By the time I was finished  
even the people who had raised me  
appeared happy to believe the lie

Teddy is the easiest to play

People just eat up the closed-off  
unforthcoming  
tidy twin persona  
It works great for intimidation

Robert  
I act just as reserved  
but I allow myself  
to be more expressive

Apparently  
that is enough to make me appear more reliable

He is the body people come to when they have a problem

Cool Twin is the most fun  
I won't lie

I can do  
and say  
whatever  
people accept it

Also real easy to dress for

The hardest is Eliza

People expect me to be  
to do  
more

because she is a woman

I have to smile  
more often

talk in a kinder voice

be even more conscious  
of  
the way I move  
what I do

I do not dislike  
those personas  
I am  
the one who made them

it can just get tiring at times

The result  
however  
is an unbeatable efficiency

I am  
the most  
competent  
team  
in the world

As powers go  
I like to think  
it's not a bad one

But as I said

people  
all have their own notions  
their conjectures  
about me

I have learned to  
feed their misconceptions

When I leave my flat  
I stop being me  
I become 'we'

'Hive-mind'  
the Checquy used to call me

The 'shared-consciousness'

I do not really  
care  
what name they use for me  
if it puts them at ease

I do not mind  
satisfying people's perception  
if it means  
I get to do my job

I like my job  
Enjoy it even

I am incredibly good at it too

I mean  
I was  
the youngest field agent to be promoted to The Court  
in Checquy history

after only sixteen years in the field

Now  
I am  
Rook Gestalt

head of the Operation Department

It basically  
just means that I am my own boss

Which is good

I work alone

_______

"Had fun on your weekend?"  
Ingrid  
as she sees me walking through the door

Eliza's smile  
Alex's cheeky grin  
"Lots, obviously. We had a pajama party and a movie night."

She cracks up at the idea

Teddy  
straight faced  
"How about you? Enjoyed the visit from your family?"

She gives me her patented  
'seriously bitch' expression  
Answers in a dry voice  
eyes twinkling

"Oh yes it was great. I just love it when my nieces and nephews come over to my place. All. At the same time. They are just so adorable when they scream and run around carelessly, breaking my shit."

Robert's low chuckle

"Anyway, which one of you is it going to be today?"  
She looks tired  
but happy

"It's my turn."  
Eliza

"Okay. I'll have your green tea ready then. See you later. Bye guys."

"Bye Ingrid."  
Robert

In seconds  
she disappears  
into the maze of glass

I do not  
have friends

But  
if I did  
I suppose I would consider Ingrid to be one

I respect her no-nonsense personality  
the dedication she shows towards her work

She is also genuinely nice to me

to each of me  
without distinctions

She works under the head of the Organization Department

Myfanwy

Or rather  
Rook Thomas

They are only  
two Rooks in the Checquy

As heads of our respective departments  
we have to work together  
closely

We meet a few times a week

I do not mind it  
as much as I should

Myfanwy is s...

/

"Gestalt. In here."  
I whip left  
in unison  
walk diligently to the King's office

I will not say much about Farrier  
just this

she is scary

a great boss though

She relies on me to do my job well  
apart from that  
she could care less  
what I get up to

As I step in she is already waiting for me  
on one of her sofa  
She points to the other  
orders  
"Sit."

No small talk with her

I sit

"I have a new case for you."

Fuck  
yeah

_______

Myfanwy is

special

_______

Her desk is meticulously clean  
as usual

She is reclining in her chair  
her short  
wavy hair  
grazing her neck with each breath

She looks tired  
but her features are relaxed

A small smile  
looking at me  
studying Eliza  
"So, what are you up to today?"

"I've been sent out on..."

"Right, of course! The bridge incident. I can't believe I've been filling out paperwork about dead Vultures all day!"  
Getting worked up out of the blue

she is so fun

With anybody else  
while acting as Eliza  
I would keep my mouth shut

But as I've said

Myfanwy  
is special

Or at least  
I hope she can be

"Would you have rather been filling out some other kind of paperwork?"  
Teasing  
Eliza's face into an unfamiliar smirk

"Well, yes actually, I would have."  
Teasing back  
"I can think of more agreable documents that needed my attention today."

"Does..."  
A deep breath  
"...agreable paperwork even exis..."

/

A deep cut

Hot iron  
through me

Blinding

consuming

rage

then nothing

_______

Fuzzy

headaches

fuck  
hurts

"Fuu..ck."

Noise

too much noise

Can't

too bright  
can't see

Can't move

Can't move!

Can't fucking move!

Oh fuck

Restrained

restrained

restrained  
restrained  
restrained

"FUC.K!"

Four voices

Okay  
fuck

okay

just open your fucking eyes

Too bright  
blurry

Loud noise

a door?

But  
where?

Fuck  
where!

"Gestalt! Gestalt it's okay! You're okay!"

Myfanwy?

Fuck!

_______

"You had to be sedated and restrained. We weren't sure in what state you would wake up. I'm sorry."  
Farrier does not look sorry

I should mind  
but  
dread  
is stronger

"So. Care to explain to me what happened?"

No point in lying  
"I have no idea."

When I have bad news to deliver  
I find it helps to do it with Teddy

"Last thing I remember Eliza was in our meeting with Myfanwy, Alex was at the bridge inspecting the scene and Robert was checking the camera footage from last night. The parts left intact anyway. I was on the ground working my Lugat sources."

I breath in  
aching muscle tensing  
I don't want to know

"What did I do?"

I am so grateful  
Myfanwy was asked to leave

"It's hard to say yet but it looks like you lost control? Or flew into a rage?"

What?

"You appeared unhinged. You all started destroying whatever was close at hand. Uncontrollably."  
Watching me closely  
"Is there really nothing you remember?"

I  
lost control?  
How?  
I was feeling fine  
if  
a little  
distracted

A sigh  
"Very well. When we realized the three of you were similarly affected, we used the tracker on your car to find Teddy. You were all stopped before you could hurt yourself too badly."

Fear  
growing  
steadily  
inside me

"Still, it made quite the scene in Rook Thomas' office."

guilt  
deny  
anger

"Thankfully, you didn't try to attack anyone here."

Fuck  
can't freak out  
"I need to be alone!"  
yet

"Of course, I understand. I'll give you some time for now."

"But Gestalt. We need to talk."

"Fuck!"

My fist against the wall  
it hurts

Just one more ache coming from Teddy's body

What the fuck happened?  
"Flew into a rage?"  
''Lost control...''  
"...since when?"

"No..."  
"...no way..."  
"I had everything repressed..."  
"...everything isolated..."  
''...I had myself contained!"

This isn't real

''My fucking restraints...''  
''...my discipline...''

...destroyed?  
How?

"This cannot be happening to me"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you to my friends RogerThe1st and PrincessK for reading this, even after I forced them to watch the show, and giving me advice.  
You're the best !!!!
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this short beginning and are curious to read the rest !!
> 
> Next chapter will be posted at the beginning of next week and the last one a few days after that, so you won't have to wait too long !!
> 
> Hope to see all you lovely people back here then !!
> 
> Cheers !!!


	2. To Feel These Feelings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which you should find some answers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again lovely people !!
> 
> Thank you so much for all the thoughtful and kindhearted comments, it really gave me confidence !!!
> 
> Hope you enjoy the second chapter even more !!
> 
> See you at the end !!

"It's been three days, Doctor! Are you seriously telling me you still don't know what happened to them?"

"I'm sorry King Farrier, but we've done every test we could think off. There has been nothing to find, Rook Gestalt appears perfectly healthy."

Do I?  
Well great  
that's a fucking relief

So what?  
I'm just crazy?  
Any other good news you want to share with the class  
Doc.

"If Rook Gestalt themselves aren't responsible, it could mean that someone or something somehow managed to directly interfere with their sympathetic nervous system. A fight-or-flight response would explain their simultaneous loss of control. As well as the state in which the bodies at the bridge were found."

This is a joke right  
it has to be a joke

"What's truly fascinating about it all though is that although all of Rook Gestalt's bodies where affected the same, the situations and people around them seems to have influenced each of their reactions."

I'm glad to learn  
that at least someone is entertained  
by this shit show

"However we have not been able to find any evidence of physical or psychological tampering. I'm sorry but for now, we have no conclusive answers."

Well

thank fuck for science

_______

"No."

Eliza  
pleading  
"King F…"

"No. I am not sending you back to the field until we know exactly what happened to you. Right now you're not only a danger to yourself but also to your coworkers."

Fuck no I'm not  
I'm not  
I can't be

"The fact that at the time of the incident the only person you hurt was your 'Lugat source' might very well be luck. Until I've personally cleared you to go back, I want you to oversee everything from this office."

I worked so hard  
to get here

I never imagined  
it could crash down around me  
so easily

"I hope it will finally force you to learn how to rely on and communicate with your team."

That's it  
kill me now

_______

"Are you okay?"

I'm really not Myfanwy

"Yes. Of course, I'm fine."

I can't meet her eyes

After what she  
saw me do

I can't face her

I'm scared

"Let's talk later. I have to go."  
I turn

"Gestalt!"  
Her hand catches mine  
small but

so warm

"It's okay."  
Her soft voice  
tempting me to look back

I tense up instead  
what I did is

unforgivable

She steps closer  
hand tight around mine

The faint smell of roses  
and her warmth along my back

"It's okay. I'm okay. You didn't hurt me."

She makes me dizzy

Inside me  
something scary  
breaks free

_______

I despite working indoors

I can't stand  
being stuck  
in one place

Makes me feel  
adrift  
lacking

discarded

It reminds me  
of Glengrove  
too much

My flat is the exception

It's the only place  
I am truly  
free

_______

"It's the third of my men sent to the hospital in two weeks!"

"Yes thank you Alex, I can add."

"Then let me get back out there. We need to stop him."  
I can't keep watching  
while my subordinates are slowly taken down  
by a wild EVA

I take over with Robert  
placating  
"I had everyone on my team wear cameras to keep check on their progress…"  
She rolls her eyes  
but does not comment  
"...and thanks to that I was able to gather enough information and identify the target. I even worked with the scientific team to create a plan of attack."

Take that Farrier  
teamwork

Alex again  
resolute  
"Now all I need to do is go catch him and bring him back. When that's done we should finally be able to start dealing with our real problem."

"You know it won't be that easy."  
Her expression softens  
slightly

"But alright, I'll authorize it. Only because, as far as we can tell and apart from Teddy, you had the least violent reaction to this EVA's power. In this instance I suppose destroyed government properties and injured criminals are a small price to pay. I have a condition however."

No surprise there  
let's hear it then

"I want you to take agent Reed as your back up."  
She raises a hand  
before I can protest

"That's non-negotiable. She's been yacking my ears off since she arrived and I'm sick of it. Do something about it or stay stuck here."

Bloody  
Fucking  
Great

_______

"Finally ready to accept my help?"  
Dark circles under her eyes  
face set in grim lines  
gaunt

"I'm sorry for your loss."

Shaken now  
was not expecting me to sound sincere  
to acknowledge her pain

Eliza has always been good to use  
for this kind of things

"But if we are going to work together, I need to be certain that your feelings won't be clouding your judgment. We are going up against a really tricky kind of EVA and…"

"You don't need to worry. What I've learned in the past few weeks... What Marcus did…"  
Suddenly far away  
eyes downcast  
obscured

"I know."  
Eliza's soothing voice  
compassionate smile in place  
"I'm sorry."

I let her take a breath  
come back to the moment  
"I've been following your progresses through Ingrid, I thought it best to give you the opportunity to work it out by yourself. I wanted to thank you for the information you got us and wondered if you would like to come help apprehend the EVA target."

Some more of her tension lift  
Half smiles half grimaces  
croaks  
"I thought you'd never ask."

I give her an encouraging smile  
"Tell me, what are your thoughts on tranquilizer guns?"

_______

"Happy to go back to the field?"  
She's smiling  
too tightly

"Bloody ecstatic if I'm being honest. I can't wait to put this whole case behind me."  
Alex was a good choice

"What's with the face Myfanwy?"  
A deliberate breath  
teasing  
my eyes in hers  
"Worried about me?"

It works  
she relaxes

"What if I am?"  
Challenging  
eyes bright

Beautiful

"I…"  
She overwhelms me  
so easily  
sometimes  
"I'll be fine. I promise."

When she watches me this way  
looking so deep inside  
as if she sees everything  
as if she likes it

I feel fucking unstoppable

_______

He wakes up slowly  
groggy

Shakes his head  
looks around  
eyes half-open

sees me

Fear  
surprise  
amazement

"I knew I'd reconized you…"  
His voice is rough  
shaky  
but he already looks  
more alert

"You were the one I saw outside that club!"  
Pointing at Teddy  
standing  
arms crossed  
against a wall

Answers one question then  
Teddy was the one through which he  
contaminated me

while I was busy  
questioning  
that Lugat fucker

"And you…"  
Now at Alex  
sprawled on the chair  
across from him  
"...you were in my hotel room just now…"  
looks around once more

"Did you really shoot me with a dart or did I dream that part?"  
Rubs at his eyes  
"Fuck, my brain feels slow. Your shit hits hard dude."

looks back up at me  
captivated  
"You're not normal twins... How does that work?"  
getting excited

Apparently  
the hermetic room does block his power

Good

"I'm not gonna lie, it feels kind of freaky but I like it."  
Little bugger

I fucking hate empath

"Are you ready to talk now?"  
Teddy's threatening growl  
rubbing my knuckles

Just us two  
in the interrogation room

outside  
Monica is watching with The King and Queen  
and me

"Oh, I'm ready to sing dude. Anything in particular you'd like to hear? I've got a grea…"

"Shut up."  
Fucking enjoying this  
the little twat

Alex  
affable  
"What's your name?"

"Kim Kyung-Hwan."

He smiles  
"You can call me Kim."

"And how old are you, Kim?"

"Twenty-one."

"When did you arrive in London?"

Laid back in his chair now  
acting smug  
"More or less three weeks ago? But I've been on the run since some sickos attacked me near a bridge so I didn't really get to keep count."

_Monica_  
_tightens her hands at her side_

"Why did you come here?"

"Well you're the ones who brought me in this cell, so…"  
He laughs  
"...shouldn't you answer that?"

A frown with Teddy  
a sneer with Alex

"In London, right. Let's just say I got noticed by the wrong kind of people back in California. Thought a holiday would do me some good, you know."

Sarcastic little shit

Alex  
derisive  
"Then why were you attacked as soon as you arrived?"

"Dude! I literally have no idea!"  
Acting dumbfounded  
can't quite meet  
either of my gazes

obviously lying

I stare at him  
with both set of eyes

wait

"Okay, fine! I have some idea."

Bashful now  
"Back, at the airport…"  
Fidgety  
"...I might have had some trouble getting through security. And I might have had to use my power a little to help me out. That's all."

Sheepish  
"I'm guessing someone noticed and followed me. Later that evening when I was strolling along the Thames a group of thugs attacked me. Creepy guys. With gloves."

An unsteady breath

"I...I just reacted."  
Eyes on his hands  
far away  
absent

"I never know how it will affect people."

_Conrad watches intently_  
_fascinated_

A shudder  
"I used the commotion it created and ran. I didn't know anyone in London yet, I had nowhere to go. I spent the whole night trying to find out who those guys were and what they wanted from me. When I finally managed to get some info about a Lugat club or somesuch, you were already there."

Seems on a roll  
hands flying  
"I saw you from afar manhandling some guy, both of you leaking really agressive vibes and I freaked out again. I had a hunch about you being an EVA, due to your abnormal emotional pattern which by the way I totally get now, and at the time I thought you worked for the people who had just tried to kidnap me."

A shy look  
"So, sorry about that."  
A small smile

"But anyway, after I saw you it felt like no matter where I hid men kept finding me. Finally, last night as I was snooping around the dead guys flat I spoted an American woman and started following her to try and find out what the fuck is going on."

With a wry smirk  
"By the way, she's a real emotional mess man, maybe someone should do something about that."  
Sharp-mouthed kid

_Monica's fists start shaking_  
_slightly_  
_She is letting out_  
_hissing breaths through her clenched jaw_

Remembers where he is  
sends  
a fleeting look  
at the glass windows  
straightens up

looks at me  
palms out  
suddenly serious  
"Look, I don't mean any trouble and I don't want any either. The last couple of weeks have been pure hell and at this point I'm just really hoping your the good guys so it can all be over."

_A nod from Farrier_

Alex  
reassuring  
"We are the good guys, Kim. You're safe now."

"I fucking hope so because I'm not gonna lie to you man this chase, thriller thing, is not as fun as it sounds. I'm exhausted, I'm hungry and frankly dude…"

"Okay, stop."  
Alex

"...your city is so messed u…"

"Stop!"  
As one

Mouth hanging open  
hands stuck in the air  
shocked

"You can stop talking now."  
Using Teddy's natural grumble  
"And don't call me dude."

He laughs  
relaxes back in his chair  
"Right. Sorry. Haven't really talked to anyone for the past few weeks. Guess I really needed that. Plus I feel like I can really tell you stuff, you know."  
Innocent smile

wicked glint in his eyes  
testing me

Cunning too then

Alex  
sardonic  
"If you want to talk so much, why don't you explain to me how your power works?"

"I would love to, but even I don't know that."  
In a fake  
sympathetic tone

I just wait

Judging by  
his behavior so far  
he will start talking again  
soon enough

Finally  
with a long-suffering sigh  
he raises his arms  
in defeat  
"Fine! People just smell, okay."

My eyebrow rise  
simultaneously

"Not like that!"  
Offended  
"It's just...I looked it up okay and apparently we all give off some kind of chemosignals?"

Doesn't wait for me to answer

"I don't really know how. Allegedly, it's supposed to depend on what's happening around us and how we feel about it."  
He keeps waving  
his hands around  
carelessly  
"I really have no idea how it works okay, but I can understand them? And sometimes, mainly when I'm stressed or scared, I can somehow heighten their effects on other people?"

_Farrier and Conrad_  
_start whispering_  
_enthusiastically_

The flow of words  
is  
pouring out of him

"The thing is my power only awoke a couple of years back and I don't really know how to control it well yet. I also haven't found a surefire way of knowing exactly how people will react to it."

candid

"I really wasn't trying to hurt anyone, I just don't control what affects people or decide how they feel. It looks like my power only serves to amplify what's already there."

Finally stops  
to breathe

looking at me  
expectant  
"There, told you all I know. Now what do I get?"

What the hell have I just stepped into?

_______

She is waiting for me on the stairs  
outside the cells

in a deep blue dress

"How did it go?"

She takes a step  
closer to me

"Pretty well for a first try, I suppose."  
I mock frown  
"But he talked too much."

I take one step too  
closer still

She laugh  
"Isn't that good in an interrogation?"

She's gorgeous

Teddy's low rumble  
"It's never good to…"  
A deliberate breath  
"...talk too much."

Both smiling now

Another step

Her hand is smooth  
silky

warm

I lose myself in her

"I think sometimes"  
Her tongue  
swift along her lip  
so tempting  
"...it may be good to say too much."

She makes me dizzy

And I  
can't  
concentrate  
when she's so close

I need privacy  
right now

_Three stories up from_  
_Myfanwy and me talking quietly_  
_I dash in the woman's bathroom_

_On another floor_  
_a swift walk_  
_takes me straight into my office_

_From the lift I turn left into_  
_a closet?_  
_Whatever_  
_it will do_

_Three sets of eyes close_

I allow myself  
to fuse back

Back to one  
to me

to her

"Hey, are you okay?"  
Her other hand  
tentative against my suit  
eyes worried now

"Yes…"  
A harsh breath  
"Yes, I'm fine."

I want to stroke her cheek

I want to kiss her

My free hand lifts

A door opens downstairs

We both startle

realize how little space is left  
between us

move away

I let go of her hand  
reluctantly

"I'll...I'll see you later then."  
She smiles

grazes my other hand  
as she hurries down the stairs

I breath

the smell of rose on my tongue

_______

A shriek

Ingrid  
great

"Sorry Ingrid I was er…"

"Robert? Oh, my god you scared the shit out of me!"

Robert?  
Oh  
fuck

I'm fucked

''What are you doing in the dark? Wait...no."  
Shock turning into glee  
"What the hell are you doing in the woman's bathroom?"

An excuse  
"...I er…"  
any excuse  
"...I'm lost?"

Fuck

she's never going  
to let me leave this down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter would not be what it is without my friend RogerThe1st's feedbacks and observations.  
Thank you so much for your patience, help and sometimes well-needed reality checks.
> 
> I hope you had fun reading this !!
> 
> Next chapter will the end of Behind Blue Eyes, but do not despair,  
Gestalt & Co will be back for new adventures soon enough !!!
> 
> Let me know what you thought and what you would like to see happen in the futur !!!
> 
> I'll meet you back here in a few days for the final chapter !!
> 
> Cheers !!!


	3. Like I Do And I Blame You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which some smut finally happens

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello once again lovely people !!!
> 
> The final chapter is here and I hope you'll enjoy it !!!  
You'll find a bit of smut in this one but nothing graphic !! Sorry?
> 
> I would like to thank you all for the support you are showing !!!  
This is only my second work and you really gave me the confidence to believe in my writing.
> 
> I hope to bring you more Gestalt content in the future !!!
> 
> See you at the end !!

When I was a child  
I once asked one of the Checquy doctors  
why I couldn't simply  
be myself

She told me  
I was too different  
to be accepted

At the time  
I didn't understand the way they were all  
looking at me

Years later  
it's hard to remember I was ever  
this naive

—————

"Oh hello, Robert."  
I don't trust the glint in her eyes  
"I see you found our office without trouble today. Managed not to misplace yourself yet?"

"Piss off, Ingrid."

She cackles maniacally from behind her desk  
but lets me through  
without further humiliating me

Myfanwy is waiting for me  
sitting at the edge of her chair  
eyes already bright  
lips shiny  
Expectant

Her fingers are twitching  
nervously  
across her paperwork

I nudge the chair closer to her desk  
before sitting

She gives me  
a small  
timid smile  
"How was your weekend?"

Looking straight at her  
"Dull."  
I lick my lips  
quickly  
"I wanted to see you."

She blushes  
so prettily

I hide so much  
already  
I don't want to do it with her too  
anymore

"How was yours?"

She looks down  
shy  
"I wanted to see you too."

Looks back up  
through her lashes

She's mesmerizing

"Last week...I..."  
Twisting a paperclip  
"What I wanted to say was er..."  
mindlessly  
"...I mean..."  
out of shape  
"Would you like to come over for dinner?"

She continues  
to amaze me   
without fail

Makes my heart beat faster

"I would..."  
An unsteady breath  
"...love that Myfanwy."

She looks pleased  
with herself

with me

At times like these  
she really makes it hard to  
concentrate  
on what's going on with the rest of me

Especially  
when I just have to stretch my arm a little  
to touch her  
catch her fidgety fingers

"It's been a while since you last invited me over to work late."

I start moving  
slowly  
to give her time to stop me  
if she wants

She only watches me  
my hand  
my eyes  
my mouth  
breathing slightly louder than before

"Is there anything in particular you'd like to..."  
Breathing in deeply  
"...talk to me about, tonight?"

Her lips look soft  
supple  
inviting

Our fingers touch lightly  
tentative

The door opens with  
Ingrid's loud  
"Sorry for the wait."

Our hands tear away quickly  
tip of my fingers burning

A meek girl is walking in  
carrying our drinks  
under Ingrid's predatory gaze

I can still feel Myfanwy's velvety skin  
her warmth  
against mine

She puts Myfanwy's tea  
and my coffee down  
between us

Says something in a quiet voice

finally moves away

Myfanwy thanks them as they leave

Alone again  
She grips her teacup  
like a drowning man with a rope

"Maybe we er..."  
Some red left on her cheeks  
the corner of her mouth twitching up  
sheepish  
"...we should talk about work first?"

She's right  
of course

But the wave of  
disappointment  
hitting me  
is surprising

I love work

Usually

She really  
messes with my head

"Sure."  
Trying to sound confident  
undisturbed  
professional  
"So tell me, how is Monica's collaboration coming along?"

"The paperwork was cleared this morning. She's our official American liaison until the Lugat have been brought down."  
Her cheerfulness  
sounds a little forced  
"How does it feel to finally have a partner to help you catch the Vultures?"

"It's simply a new tentative from Farrier to teach me teamwork, nothing more."

Wait until she meets my eyes  
A mischievous smile  
playful  
"At least Monica is cleverer than the morons I usually have to work with and supervise."

She lets out  
a short laugh  
loosens up her grip on her cup  
takes a sip

Lightness  
in her tone  
"Are you telling me she still believes it's possible after the op on Burgh Island?"

"Myfanwy!"  
Fake outrage  
real laughter

Looking proud of herself  
happy

"By the way, have you heard what they've decided to do with the EVA you brought in last week?"

"What about the insufferable twat?"  
Interested despite myself

"He is also being sent to New Glengrove to train."

"What?"  
Shock

Enjoying it  
"If he passes all the tests, he could be one of the morons working under you soon enough."

Dread  
growing

"Conrad cannot be serious! He hasn't thought this through. The kid is a wild card, completely incapable of controlling his powers. He can't be trusted with others' safety."

She's laughing at me  
quietly  
from behind her hand

Fuck

she's beautiful

Why  
am I mad  
again?

She  
notices me watching  
smiles kindly  
all teeth  
"I'm sorry. It's just..."  
She giggles  
"I don't think I've ever seen you get worked up so quickly."

"It's not funny."  
Traces of laughter in my voice  
she's contagious

"He's a bloody danger to the Checquy!"

Rolling her eyes  
"Oh, come on Gestalt. If Conrad cleared him for training, I'm sure there's nothing to worry about."

"Myfanwy, he's the reason I trashed this place!"

Too loud  
raised fist tight  
knuckles aching

"He is the reason I trashed your office..."  
Looking down  
"...but... it all came from me, the wrath, the destruction..."

A whisper  
"What if something happens again and I..."

A deliberate breath  
"I couldn't bear to hurt you."

Repressed emotions  
clear in my voice

"Or anyone."

She softens  
lets out  
a shaky breath

Her hand  
moves  
slowly  
to mine

Her voice is tender  
comforting  
"Last time, when he used his power on you, you changed."

I tense back up

She brings my fist back down  
lets it rest on the desk  
as she gently  
massages the knuckles

"You were acting crazy..."  
Caressing  
"...breaking all my stuff."   
cajoling

"And despite that..."

Waits until I  
grow brave enough to  
meet her gaze

"...I wasn't scared of you."

Her eyes are clear  
doubtless  
straight-forward

She's not lying

"You didn't even turn my way once..."

Under her care

"...as you mindlessly threw things around. It looked like you were sparing me on purpose."

the melody of her voice

"I read what the Vultures did to each other after being affected. What one of your men did to himself and even what you did to that Lugat henchmen you were with."

the softness of her gaze

"Yet somehow, you protected me."

I find myself  
relaxing

"Despite being unaware and overwhelmed you managed to do what you have always done Gestalt."

Shivers rising  
up my arm

I look down

"You protected all of us. Even from yourself."

My hand is open  
palm up

her fingers  
feathers like  
along the creases

tender

She scoots closer  
eyes in mine  
hypnotic

Whispers  
"You would never hurt anyone here."

Her breath is warm  
against my lips

she makes me dizzy

She moves away  
before I can  
react  
respond

kiss her

Eyes still soft  
smile wicked  
"I never thought you were the kind to give up without trying Gestalt."

She knows  
all my buttons

She squeezes my hand  
her expression  
turning grave

"With the kid Monica rescued from the Lugat, that's two EVA saved from a life of horrors and slavery in less than a month."

voice tight  
eyes stormy  
"Whenever something like this happens I feel so grateful that the Checquy were the first to find me. That they were able to find all of us."

Looks back at me  
resolute  
"I miss my sister, all the time, but our work, what we're doing here, it's too important to be given up."

My turn  
to squeeze her hand  
"I know, Myfanwy."

voice firm  
"And soon, we're going to stop these fuckers once and for all."

———

Myfanwy  
scares me

she affects me  
too much

keeps  
making my

control  
slip

The knowledge  
that

for the first time in my life  
I do not

dislike  
the sensation

might  
scare me

even more

———

She's sitting on her sofa  
glass of wine in hand  
gaze lost

"Go ahead, I can't wait to hear it."  
Using Robert's mouth  
between bites

Doesn't react  
too deep in thought

"I've been waiting for you to say it for twenty minutes..."  
Still nothing

"... the dumplings taste terrible don't they?"  
Only when I join in with Eliza  
sitting next to her  
does she finally startle back  
to the present

An apologetic look at Robert  
sat in front of her  
"I'm sorry. My mind was somewhere else."

"What is it, Myfanwy?"  
With Teddy  
from the counter

She hesitates  
looks at each of me in turn  
"Have you heard about Josie Fairburn?"

Shit  
I shouldn't have asked

She notices my reaction  
"What?"  
or lack thereof

I look at her  
appreciating the four perspective  
it gives me

"Farrier told me."  
In harmony

"What did she tell you?"  
Getting a little agitated

Starting with Eliza  
"She told me you brought in a target who wasn't a target..."

moving on to Alex  
sitting on the floor  
"...and that you'd probably want to tell me all about it so I..."

"...I was supposed to change the subject."  
Robert  
to finish  
apologetic

She starts getting worked up  
telling me all about  
Josie's plumber brother  
and what not

"Do we have anymore Szechuan duck?"  
I interrupt  
getting up with Alex

"Barbecue beef's good too."  
I add as Teddy  
while I use Eliza  
to drink some more beer

This is not  
where I imagined the night would go  
when she invited me

"Really? You're changing the subject?"  
She sounds offended  
angry

Trying for innocent  
"No, I'm just hungry."

She doesn't smile

"I'm sorry, you're right."  
Robert's mouth again

Then Eliza  
turned to the side  
facing her  
"But Myfanwy, I wasn't trying to discredit what you're saying. If you really believe she could become a useful EVA..."

Teddy  
still at the counter  
"...you just need to find a new way to convince them of that."

"Farrier might seem against it at first but Conrad will listen to you."  
With Alex  
back on the ground  
"And frankly..."

Eliza  
"...between your impressive intellect and your inability..."

Teddy  
smirking  
"...to accept 'no' for an answer whenever it doesn't suit you..."

Robert  
"...they really don't stand a chance."

She deflates  
puts her glass back on the side-table

"Shut up."  
No heat behind her words  
"And thank you. I don't know why I'm taking Farrier's dismissal so personally. You're right, I don't intend to simply give up on this. I know I'm not wrong about Josie."

Livelier  
hand moving around  
unconsciously  
"I suppose between the Vultures' case and the Founder's Feast coming up at the end of the week it's no wonder I'm a little more on edge than usual."

"Shit. Is it this week already?"  
As one

it  
caught me by surprise

I continue  
with only Eliza  
"I hate that thing! People..."

adding Robert to emphasize  
"...keep expecting me to socialize."

Watching me  
doubtful  
"I seem to remember you having fun the last couple of years."

"That's just a testament of my acting skills."  
Alex  
wriggling my eyebrows

She laughs  
"Liar! You were so drunk last year that when you asked Conrad to dance with you, you did it with Teddy instead of Eliza. His face was absolutely hilarious!"

Suddenly thoughtful  
"I wonder why people don't talk about it more often at the office?"

I need to stop  
that line of thought

I use Teddy

putting on a show  
eyeing the varied containers  
"I think the biggest mystery is why you order all these different types of food..."

Finishing in concert  
watching her  
"...and it's just me."  
to underline it

She looks at me  
intently  
one at a time

arches an eyebrow  
bares her teeth  
purrs  
"I like options."

The dam crumbles

I'm on her in seconds

straddling her with Eliza

kissing her  
before either one of us  
can really think about it

She tastes like wine  
like endless possibilities

Intoxicating

Gripping my long hair  
she brings me closer

our breasts rubbing  
as we pant  
in each other's mouth

my hands  
finally  
discovering her

soft skin  
yielding  
beneath my fingers

Her own  
eager  
fervent  
under my shirt

exploring me

Reveling in  
the sensations  
she awakes in me

while relishing the view  
the both of us  
together  
create

in the flickering light

time rushes by  
unnoticed

We break apart  
panting loudly  
noses brushing

breathy laughter  
against sensitive lips

She  
licks them quickly  
hers and mine both

but stops me  
when I try to kiss her again

"The bed."  
She orders in a throaty whisper  
fingers tight on my hips  
pupils blown  
lips puffy  
glistening

I get up  
take her hand  
and start leading her to the bedroom

She stops me  
when she notices  
the rest of me isn't following

"Come on."  
Voice sure  
looking straight at me  
through Eliza's eyes

She's so perfect

"Fuck, Myfanwy."  
A low growl  
escaping me  
through Alex's mouth

She smiles

I follow her  
dutifully

She stops again  
at the foot of the bed

Her bedroom is small

crowded

but neither of us minds

I undress quickly  
mesmerized  
as she takes off her clothes  
a plain T-shirt and  
tight  
black leggings

She scoots back on the bed  
in her pale underwear  
smiles up at me

inviting

Three of me follow

I sit Teddy  
in the chair she has  
placed at the foot of her bed

now that I have  
her permission  
there is no way I would let myself  
miss  
a second of this

———

Her taste

blazing warmth

deft fingers

the fevered rise and fall of our bodies

control shattered

hunger unleashed

the sensations merging inside me

our ardent kisses

throaty moans

the melody our voices create

her supple body between mine

the fierceness of our embrace

her skin's smoothness

her coaxing hands

the way she plays with my bodies as I play with hers

our familiarity

the intense avidity

effortless intimacy emerging

her murmured endearments in my ears

tongue leaving behind scorching trails

the way she enjoys watching me watching us

unrelenting urges swelling frantically

our consuming devotion

and hedonistic surrenders

indescribable  
incomparable

perfection

———

The night is slowly growing lighter  
as I keep watching from the chair  
with Teddy

Four bodies  
cramped in her bed

three of me  
holding one of her  
close

My head against the back of hers  
breathing her in  
spooning  
her soft hair tickling my eyelids

Two of my hands  
one small  
the other long-fingered  
are holding her hip

She is observing me intently  
eyes locked on mine  
foreheads touching  
our breaths mingling  
legs intertwined

Her right arm is thrown across one of my waist  
to better access the rest of me  
her hand caressing  
feather like  
along my back

"So explain to me again, how exactly do feel this?"  
A whisper against my lips  
eyes gleaming

Under her veneer of impeccable professionalism  
hides a craving curiosity

I can't wait to satiate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again big thanks to my friend RogerThe1st whose help was invaluable !!!
> 
> I can't thank you all enough for taking the time to read this !!!
> 
> Hope to see you again soon at the Founders' Feast !!!!
> 
> Cheers !!!!

**Author's Note:**

> All titles are from the song Behind Blue Eyes written by The Who.
> 
> Please, remember to sign the petition if you haven't yet and we might all get to enjoy a second season :  
https://www.change.org/p/therookstarz-season-2-for-the-rook


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